Well I might be delayed in blogging but I always come back!
sooo what's going on with me lately.. hmm how to sum it up shortly.
Schooooooool. more schooool... and mooore school :p
But university is out in 3 weeks, so that will be nice. The bummer is I will go back to work full-time then.. uffffffffffff.
Anyways.. what else.. hmmm
I have remained single!
I have made a new friend though... or two.
g's friend bdn and I have been hanging out once a month.. he is funny and fun to be around. It's kind of nice having a male friend.
Also, T (man i dated from work) has approached me and says "we need to talk". I told my mom this and she said.. did you ask if he was pregnant lol. :p Anyways.. i gave him my new # and he hasn't called.. strange, flaky man... don't know what he wants really.
Let me see .. what else... I have a very good friend that I met online... another foreign person of course... and he is one of the best friends i have ever had (outside my family who are my best friends). He may visit the u.s. and i think that would be just soooo great! But he doesn't have much money so he may not be able to. Him and I are so much alike it's scary... and even born on the same day! And of course he is completely gorgeous.. but well what can ya do... i cant dream that much .. though i wish i could ;)
We have officially talked for over a year now.. and non stop really... I have never met someone (especially a man) online whom would do this and in the process not hit on me! I dont know if i have mentioned him before or not... hmm anyways... he makes me smile and has changed my outlook on things a lot over the last year.
So he is very important to me... probably too important :p
So anyways.. do i have any stressed out or screwed up messes??? Hmm I dont think so but I am sure I will soon :p and I will be sure and let ya know.

I have got to start writing in blog again

Too long since I wrote.. and the time before that.
Hmm... what has happened....
welll... I seem to be doing much better.. in my mind I mean. I haven't been depressed in a while now. I have picked up a new problem though (hahhaha... of course), I get very irritated instead.
I also have come to realise something...
and it makes a lot of things make sense..
I have a severe problem with not living at my parents house... I mean I get weird, unhappy, etc etc. This is I guess a weird form of attachment. I don't know. More so like it's my comfortable place.
Now I will tell how I came upon this..
As I said in my last blog entry.. I think.
R contacted me again and we were seeing each other again. Well it was going well, we moved in together in my place (which I hadn't lived in in quite sometime, I let my parents rent it out). Wellll this went good for the most part. He is great and perfect... but still things went wrong. He as I have said before has a mental disorder... severe one, but is normal pretty much b/c of med's .. well he left his place of comfort (his parents house) and then became afraid of everything and completely fell apart...
so we moved back to our old places (with parents). But I wasn't doing so well either ... I don't even want to think of living anywhere else but at my parents. I am comfortable.. I don't feel bad (whereas I do anytime I have lived anywhere else). So after really thinking about it all I came to that I have a very similar problem with being comfortable as he does. (Of course it didn't help that my place of my own has some very very bad memories I am sure).
Anyways.... off that.
I got divorced finally!!!!!! Just took 2 years almost. He is getting married, last I heard.
I got my cat back that I had for 3 years and he took with him. She is so happy now.. except for the other 3 cats in the house!!!!
I guess I should specify that I mean she is happy to be with me :D She stays in the one room 98% of the time.
Now, back to R. He got all depressed and severely upset when he had to move back home b/c he wanted to be with me, but couldn't handle it. So now he has it in his head that he has lost me. And things are getting very bad on his end. I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up in the hospital soon if he doesn't get a hold on himself.
Of course I realise that if neither of us can be comfortable outside our "homes" living somewhere else then where can this go in the long run?! I don't know what I am doing anymore. I really just want a break from everything right now. But hey atleast I am not depressed huh :p
Just confused... as always. But now I am not so confused about why I am the way I am about a lot of things.. not being depressed cleared my mind out a lot .. and I could finally understand some things. It was nice.
Now on to more confusion :D
Oh yea and my sister is due with baby in February.. she is huge!
Hope everyone had a nice christmas!!!!

Long time no write

I have been away too long from my blog!
I don't even know where to begin...
First, my vacation was absolutely grrrrrreat and I had a lot of fun in Monterey CA. Lots of great photos ... over 100 of them, literally hahaha.
After that... hmm... what happened...
I got bronchitis.. have had it for over a month now.. doc finally put me on a stronger antibiotic and... STEROIDS! I have been so aggrivated... I want to throw myself into a wall sometimes.. I apparently am one of the people who CANT take steroids.
During this time of having bronchitis.. I had an interesting "thing" with a guy at work who I really liked... By a guy.. I mean an adult man of about 40. He had 3 kids... gorgeous man.. really. He so confused me though... he seemed totally contradicting every other time and anyone who has read about me knows I can't take confusion.
I finally gave up about a week ago... things were weird having to see him at work but now things have straightened out a bit. I miss him though.. I wished things had worked.
And a little odd thing happened when I had first decided I was done with him...
R (yes the old R in my blog!) suddenly reappeared out of nowhere and called me...
we have been together again since!
Things coming up in my life... I will go to school in January (for real this time!)
My sister is having a baby (in February).. the ultrasounds are so cool!
That's about it...
oh and I haven't been on any meds for months! I have had a few hard times but otherwise I am doing good.
Talk to everyone again soon!

Vacation

Well I am officially going on vacation the 16th through the 23rd!!!!!! Yippppeeee. I have never really had a vacation... this better be good!!! hahha.
Going to California to visit my friend and we are going to go up to Yosemite and the Big Sur.
I got my ticket yesterday.. spent entirely too much much too... also got a digital camera since my camera is broke. Spent lots of money yesterday.. i hate it when I do that.
Anyways, Just had to share my good news.
Up to 60 mg on my med's today... wheww.. we shall see how this goes....

Uffff

New med isn't doing me the greatest ... first I was a bit anxious but fine all around...
now... I am getting aggrivated very easily.
and my family situation isn't helping.
my brothers wife has decided to demand things from him or she is leaving... you would have to know the whole story to understand why this is so freakin ridiculous!!!!!
And I don't have the want for more anxiety at this point to go through it all here. See how angry I sound!!!
And worse yet my mother is falling for her act.
I know no one who reads this will get this all b/c you don't know the story but my god i have had it with her and her manipulative crap. 9 years she has done this to my brother!
Okay enough of that.. just had to vent.
so I am not sure whether to continue the medicine and see if the anxiety goes away after the 2 weeks or so that it normally takes for side effects to go away or to stop it now.
I am thinking about going on a vacation... by myself I suppose.. to where I don't know.
I know I need it. But I really don't want to go by myself... but alas no one to go with me :p except my mother of course.. she has offered. And I am considering it.
So thursday I will finally file for my divorce, or friday.. i get paid thursday and I found out it is much cheaper to do than I had thought before. Kind of bothers me though b/c I would have filed it a year ago if I had known that hahaha!!!
So I will pity myself for the moment..
divorced, single, 26, and nothing to show for it., lost as the day I was born (i am sure), and living with my freakin parents again.
And worse yet I have just about decided there is no one out there who could ever love me enough, or put up with me long enough to love me enough to stay with me and etc..
if only there was someone who wanted the same things I do.
Though I thought I had found that person... I was wrong.
I don't want to be alone or miserable for the rest of my life.
I know i know people will say you wont be things will get better....
I am not sure anymore about that... and I am trying to deal with that in my head right now.
Dont worry I am not as sad as I sound really...
just lost ...
one of my fellow bloggers once termed me in their blog as the girl who is trying to get a hold on life.... (basically) ... wow isn't that true.
But hey on a brighter note... tomorrow wont be 100!!!!!! It will be 88... which is great comparatively. This years summer is beating the crap out of me... and everyone else too it seems. And the mosquitoes!!!! And for some reason we have a mass of grand daddy long legs this year...
i am ready for fall!

if havent read day 1 -whenever .. look back in my blog.

Now onto the present....
after reading all the before now you will understand how freakin upset and devestated and plain tired I am.. if you read it.

Read it if you haven't!

I went to R's every other day after he got home. He was out of it mostly, understandably...
I was just so happy to see him and things be okay... everything that had bothered me before didn't matter.
He continued to be totally exhausted and just nothing in him for days and days.. And I got sickish and very tired... i mean very tired. I got weird and depressed and lonely... and... i couldn't get a hold on myself.
I went over hmmm last week at some point and I was falling asleep and just couldn't smile etc.. and he kept asking me what was wrong and i would say i was tired which was true.
he wouldn't stop about it. he was obviously worried and stressed. he kept saying he was tired of being sick and was angry at himself that he couldn't be himself again and wondered if he ever could. This is not good for a person who is schizophrenic to feel this way.. especially since his craziness is directed at hiimself.. meaning hurts himself when he doesnt take medicine .. stuff like that. He was getting very frustrated with me and we ended up arguing that night. but we settled it and left things cool.
Next time... Saturday (this last weekend). I go over... exhausted still .. depressed, not doing well. I knew I shouldn't have gone over.. but I did b/c wellll I missed him and he asked me to.
Again with why I was being weird, the questions. I said I was tired.. .and depressed. He got very quiet then and distant. Somehow we ended up arguing b/c he decided I was upset about him being exhausted.. The only thing I had said about him to him was to hold me. And he couldn't.. b/c he hurt. So this apparently started a chain of thoughts in him that made him feel bad. I hadn't the energy or mind state to deal with this either... but.. I had to. He got very weird... and somewhere along the way he said .. please just bare with me.. i said to him I am.. I am just not doing well right now and I started crying. He sat on his side of the couch frozen and looking empty... I sat forward about an hour later and said I would go. He had a tear on his face. I started to cry.. and words were exchanged, not good ones.
And when I would say something he woudl just sit there and nothing... which made me furious and upset and crying, desperate. I was so messed up at this time too, he wasn't the only one at his wits end. I tried to calm him down. He was shaking... he would calm down and start again with him being trouble and me, well he was kind of insulting me and obviously not seeing how stressed I was. I tried to be nice and calm but nothing.. He just sat and stared and then suddenly... he says.. if i am so much trouble then maybe we shouldn't be together.
That was that.
I called him later...
Thinking he would have calmed down by then...
He hadn't.
He says to me... Leave me alone... we are done.. I don't want to hear from you ever again. I called him back and said what i had to say.. nice things.. etc etc... he said only leave me alone and hung up.
He had switched over in his mind. Which I had noticed with him about people... there is a switch.. when he hits a certain point, there is no going back. Even if it is to someone else not something to do it over... to him the person becomes evil, bad, horrible, out of his life.
And it is insane.. really.... part of his schizophrenia I realize now. I think back now and realize this was only a matter of time to happen. He would have flipped out on me eventually and it would all be over for no reason. I am glad it happened now and not later in life though.
I feel sorry for his past relations... especially his wife... and children... I wonder how bad she really was now... I doubt as bad as I heard. And I wonder how long she begged him to talk to her and not hang up.
It is so hard dealing with this b/c there is nothing i can say or do that will turn his mind back. And there is no understanding this either. B/c its not logical or rational.
I hurt so bad for awhile... so very bad. I started having a panic attack.. I mean this was a man I loved very much and wanted a child and a life with forever. And its gone for no reason. And his voice... so cold to me.
The day before and earlier that day even.. he had been lovey and everything fine... this is all so crazy.
And worse yet.. I wonder how he is.. is he ok? Because when this happens to him he hurts himself and has to be put in a hospital (mental) for months.
I blame myself alot... I could have been nicer ... but I have come to realise that it's not my fault. It's just not...
but I miss him so much and hurt inside... I want back my dream most I think. Because he was my dream but real... well atleast in my head he was...
I am so lonely ...
Oh and the doctor made me stop taking my pills, b/c they were making me worse.. so I off my pills as well.. starting the same day all this shit happened.
I start a new med. Saturday.
Please everyone pray for me in whatever way you pray.
I am doing okay mostly but occasionally .. I just fall apart. So please pray for me.

if havent read day 1 -whenever .. look back in my blog.
This is not present time... i am just having to add a little at a time.
I am posting multiple ones now at a time so read back.

July 8th... nearly 3 weeks later from the beginning of this mess...

Got a call from him .. .. he will be leaving the hospital in a bit. And good news... he won't have to go up to the hospital at all!!! The nurse was mistaken, as I thought she was. I am so happy... that is a relief... and for sure one for him. Though he didn't sound too relieved... sounded kind of drab actually. I am bothered yet again though.... i said i love you to him and he didn't say anything... usually he says it first on the phone before going... but nothing... so i said it again and he said it back after a pause.... i dont know what's going on. Maybe I am just overanalyzing. But my god with him everything seems to line up perfect usually to being what i analyze it to be... but then he says its not. Coincidences... maybe. I am too freakin observant.

if havent read day 1 -10 .. look back in my blog.
This is not present time... i am just having to add a little at a time.
I am posting multiple ones now at a time so read back.
Day 10
I am so exhausted. I can hardly get out of the bed in the morning. This last week and half has been the longest of my life. And I have had some bad bad weeks before, but this one seems like it has been months. I miss him so much and am so tired and stressed. I wonder how I have made it this long... but then I remember it really hasn't been that long.

I was going to tell him I wasn't going to come up tonight. But when he called me back I just couldn't. So I will go tonight at 8 I guess. I just want things to be normal again... and for him to be fine and for me to SLEEP and it not be so freakin HOT!!!!

I CAN DEFINITELY TELL I MISSED MY PILL!!!!

... uhhhh much later ..
dont know what day...

I haven't written about it for awhile b/c honestly I can't take much more of it. Well really I am already past that point but... just got too much. I really don't know what to do anymore. I just feel it is over between him and I. And the more I think about it the more I think that maybe it should be. Things were so messed up before he went in the hospital. And I knew then that I couldn't be in the relationship if that was the way it was going to be. I mean really, his major things is he seems unemotional .. my major thing is feeling someone loves me etc etc. I just can't take looking at him and seeing someone looking back at me that looks like they could care less if I existed. No matter how hard I try I can't get myself to understand that that is not the way he feels. Sometimes I can but most the time I can't.

I've been going up to the hospital for over 2 weeks now and he has only once showed any sign that he liked me being there and I felt he truely loved me and that was when he looked absolutely scared after the surgery. I felt so good that night.. but the next... there was nothing again and just him staring at the tv. And I know he is drugged and all but welllll this is the same way he was before the hospital too, otherwise I would brush it off as that. And on top of that... apparently he talks on his phone alot to someone b/c it is always dead.. yet I have only got a call from him twice in the two weeks and I have called him atleast 10 times. I just don't know what to think anymore. And I am so stressed over it all that the other night I had a dream that he ran off with his wife and left me. It was so horrible. I hate my dreams. It was so hard to go and see him that night.

Day ?
Things for me are better now.. I am not so stressed, doing okay. Things with him are still the same though. He is doing much better and is in a regular room now. He says they say he might be out Friday. Nothing much more to say.

Day 17?
Oh my god...day 17... well I am writing this on day 18. He should be going home today.
Last night.... well there are so many things to say about last night. But first I will say that I actually didn't go to the hospital for one night!! I missed him very much, despite the fact that if I had went I would have felt like shit anyways.

So anyways back to day 17. I walk in and the first thing he says to me is (paraphrasing) sit down I have some things to tell you. I am beginning to hate it when someone has something to tell me (i.e. he has to have surgery) I waited for whatever it was that was wrong with him now. He said to me "No, Im not breaking up with you" which hadnt crossed my mind at all! Until then. He then told me that he would have to for the next month of so come to the hospital for iv treatment with antibiotics.. everyday.. twice a day! 6 am and 6 pm. I said to him, so this does mean you are breaking up with me (as we couldn't see each other anymore). The way he looked at me and talked said to me this is what he was thinking. He wouldn't hardly look at me. The shit part was it didn't even seem to bother him. He just said it like he was saying oh well.... I started to leave after making a comment about coming up there everyday and then this.. and said ok then. I wanted to add that atleast i had the respect to wait until he was out of the hospital to talk about not seeing him anymore. I was mad.... but honestly it made sense with the way he had been being. He told me no he wasn't and i sat back down not sure what the hell was going on. Ok so he wasnt breaking up with me... that still left me sitting there with the fact he seemed to not give a shit that we couldn't see each other. Which left me still wanting to leave and break up with him. I said something to that effect and he said it does bother him. But I think he thought that I meant the fact he would have to be at the hospital everyday did bother him not that he wouldn't see me.

Somehow we got past that part... I really don't remember how I stopped being pissed. We decided that I could take him to his treatments some days if I left work 30 minutes early (which I can do). I tried to explain to him how bad I was before the hospital and how was I to handle the way it would be for the next month or so. I tried to explain how I am .. yet again... I get messed up when I don't get love from someone and I get even more messed up when I dont see the person very often... they become something bad in my mind, someone who doesnt like me etc etc. He said we would make it work. And he wasn't going to leave me and I wasn't going to leave him. I liked him saying this except for the way he said.. which was kind of a stubborn thing not so much of a i love you and dont want to lose you thing. Which would be the way it should be. But I let it go and the rest of the night was great. He was smiling! Smiling of all things! I have seen him really smile only once before since I met him! (really smile meaning his whole body was smiling). I was so happy to see him this way!!!!! Not only b/c he was doing better and going home the next day but b/c he seemed very much alive and very much happy. He was being loving towards me ... which felt so good that I wanted to sigh out of relief. I stayed there for 2 hours! We talked about a lot of things.. I told him about his stay in the ICU b/c he can't remember it. I told him again I would let him read my diary (this). As I went to leave it entered my head again how things would be for the next month or so... I got sad... how could I do this?! I said something about it and he said again that we would make it work... and for me to just relax tonight ... and I smiled and relaxed a bit and left. He seemed so caring and different tonight. But I realised after leaving that that way probably wouldn't stay. Which made me sad. If he was always like that then things would be great... beyond... or if he could just speak the way he feels to me more (i miss you, i love you, i am glad to see you, etc etc.. which he only says this to me when i say it to him first). I feel so tormented over this all. Such little time and I had fallen so in love with him and for the first time could imagine being with someone and actually staying put!!! This is amazing for me... but then in a blink it was all gone... I felt like within a day he had disappeared off the face of the earth.. only he was still there, just didnt seem to be. I felt I had lost my dream and it broke my heart. Which I did calm down about after a bit and accepted I couldn't do this with him (this is my self defense mechanism that I do when I get very hurt... i turn it off, eventually, usually after I've already fallen apart). And then came the hospital... and now this strange arrangement we have for seeing one another. I just have to have faith... which I have never been able to have..... until I met him ... I just lost it and now somehow I have to find it again. I just wish that he loved me and could show it and he didn't always seem so uncaring about things.. like last night... everything would have been fine if it wasn't for his dismeanor about it at the first. But that is what is stuck in my head.. how he seemed to really not give a shit. But obviously I know somewhere inside of me that he didn't mean it that way or would I really be continuing this? I wonder sometimes.

I just dont want to continue this relationship solely b/c I am hoping for something between us to return and him to be the way he was... b/c that maybe me waiting for something that isn't going to happen.

I think I am going to throw up now... I am so stressed. Ufff I just love him and want to be with him... and things be the way they were ... but it seems that may not happen. atleast not soon. how do i stay strong with this? i always ask myself that everytime something happens but i always seem to make it through... though a bit crazier everytime in the end and usually not with the person either.

I am so tired of life. Though of course whether him and I stay together or not... I am so glad he is better and he made it through this. I can't imagine how i would see things if he hadn't.

if havent read day 1 -9 .. look back in my blog.
This is not present time... i am just having to add a little at a time.
I am posting multiple ones now at a time so read back.
Day whatever cont...
Went and saw him... it was so horrible. I can't explain it now as well b/c some time has passed. I have never seen something that upset me so much. I cried half the way home. I was in a daze the rest of the night. He had to have the machine assist him a lot of the time this time. And a few times there was a struggle with it I could tell. Last time he seized up started sweating and the red lights started flashing and I stood there helpless... terrified. The nurse finally came in and pullled this long thing in and out of his throat suctioning out the fluid. Apparently it had blocked up.

It took her 4 times with this until the red stopped flashing and the machine stopped reading so high. It struck me suddenly that if he wasn't in the hospital he would be dead... and if we didnt have the technology we have he would be dead even if he was in the hospital. I won't explain a lot of what I saw b/c it was horrible... I am not meant to see something like that. Especially not when its someone I love. I was very down after that... it seemed his breathing was having to be more and more assisted. This was by far the worst day yet for me to take.... and he looked so hmmm scared I'd almost say.... he was also being very sweet to me... mouthing that he missed me etc... that meant a lot to me... a whole lot.

Day 9
Apparently he got much better by the next day... they took the ventilator off by the time I got there at 5. His mom/dad/m were there when I got there, they had already seen him earlier in the day but stopped by quickly to say hi again. R was talking... he said he sounded like a frog... I guess that's about right hahha. I was so happy he wasn't on the ventilator anymore. They did however have the oxygen mask still on him. His family left and I felt a bit uncomfortable. Mostly b/c they left b/c I was there and I felt bad for that. Also b/c I was exhausted and stressed and also had missed my pill the day before and felt very unstable. I didn't know what to say.... or to do. He didn't seem to want me near so I went to sit down and he protested to that so I came over. Things were just very odd last night. I was so happy he was doing better but it just wouldn't show through. I felt bad that maybe I was making him feel bad. I had so much mess in my head and no energy to handle it. I was/am so afraid he doesn't like me anymore or won't. I dont know why ....

I guess a lot b/c of the way things were prior to the hospital mess and also b/c he has been away from me and such. Maybe it's just my own stupid fears.... and nothing will change.

It is very obvious right now how I fit in Borderline Personality Disorder .... I am getting so lonely without him.... and I feel he doesnt love me.... I try to remember that this is just my messed up mind making me feel this way... but it doesn't work thinking that... not until later when I have calmed down ... I hate it. I hate more that I may lose him. But atleast he won't die. That is all that matters.

if havent read day 1 -8 .. look back in my blog.
This is not present time... i am just having to add a little at a time.
I am posting multiple ones now at a time so read back.
Day 9 ....... uh no day 8
uhh think I messed up the days somewhere...this should be day 8... anyways....
Supposedly they may try to take him off the ventilator today..
Did some more research today at work ... seems it is common for the ventilator after lung surgery and common for it to be needed for 24 to 48 hours. So I feel a bit better about this.

His mom called me and said that he was still on the ventilator and they would go up and see him at 12 and his sister would be in at 8 so I could go at 5. But she tells me as well that he is listed as CRITICAL (I dont like this word) but stable. What the hell does that mean?!!?!?!? My mom said probably that he's not good but not in a great risk of getting very bad quickly. So I am going to leave work a bit early.. worked over some at lunch so I could. Maybe he will be off the ventilator by 5. I dont think they have tried yet. I miss him so much. I'm afraid things will be very different after this is all done with... I am afraid we won't have a relationship anymore that the time pulled us apart. I hope I am wrong. I do love him very much.

Will write more tomorrow.

if havent read day 1 - 6 .. look back in my blog.
This is not present time... i am just having to add a little at a time.
I am posting multiple ones now at a time so read back.

Day 7
Walk in around 1 to see him and his parents and M are there. They all look quiet serious.
R looks at me and says for his mom to tell me... I panicked of course and for good reason it turned out. She told me that he was having liver trouble (!) and that he had abscessed in BOTH his lungs. This is very bad and very odd for someone his age. The mortality rate jumps over 10% when this occurs in the lungs. She told me they would probably do surgery the next day to remove the puss. I was very upset.... the lack of abscesses was what had kept me sane so far... well ok not sane but hopeful. and now he had abscesses. But there was good news also.. his kidneys better, his blood pressure okay, and he got rid of the catheter and got up and went himself. But now.... I felt I would have a heart attack and need the hospital myself. What else can happen?! His mom calls me that night and says the surgery will be at 11 the next day and that they may need to remove his lung or part of it!!!!! OMG.

Day 8
His mom calls me at around 4, I was a bit freaked out by then b/c I hadn't heard anything. She said he had been out of surgery for an hour and was in ICU. She said they hadn't done such an extensive surgery as they thought they would have to. But they got 4 CUPS OF PUSS out of his lungs!!!!!!!!!! And doctor still says they may have to remove the lung... depends on the next scan. But he is okay otherwise, still out of it.

So I go up to ICU at 8. Back to crappy visiting times. I am immediately shocked. He has hoses of all sorts coming off one that is stuck down his throat and new machines are around. And of course he has this bloody bandage on his chest. I didn't know what to think. Was he okay, was this normal? I realised then that maybe it was normal to be in ICU after the surgery... he should've been in recovery and then a normal room... what was wrong?

The nurse came in and said a lot of things I had no idea about b/c I had no idea what was wrong with him!!! I was very lost but caught onto the fact that the thing in his throat was a ventilator and it was making him breath when he didn't breath when he was supposed to!!!!! Life support!!!! OMG! She explained the machine to me and I felt a bit better. She said he was breathing more on his own then it was for him. She asked me... did he ever go home?! I said nope straight back here after surgery! She laughed and shook her head at him. She seemed to think he was doing good and she seemed positive so I took her attitude with me. She left the room. I noticed there was a little blood going into the ventilator thing... ukkk.. and then I saw his catheter line.... all blood! I don't know if this is normal or not. But it bothered me. R went in and out of being asleep quite frequently.. when I would make a noise he would pop open his eyes and look really confused. He looked like a lost child last night.... it was very sad. And even more so like a baby.. b/c he couldn't talk. That had to be so frustrating!! He kept trying to tell me things but I had no idea ... and then he wanted a pen and paper.. but I had none. I told him I didn't know what was going on and I was shocked and I would have to talk to his mom. I stayed for 30 minutes with him. Called his mom when I left b/c I was so confused as to what was going on. Turns out they had to deflate his lung! i read up on this and think maybe that was b/c they had to get around it to the other one... not sure though. But I didn't like the thought. I knew more than his mom did at this point and I told her to call and talk to the nurse who was there b/c she seemed to know alot.

She called me back and said that he was doing good... explained the ventilator and said that other than that he had a slight fever (101.3). All and all good apparently. I couldn't get his state out of my head all night. And the fact he had life support on him....

if havent read day 1, 2, 3, 4 .. look back in my blog.
This is not present time... i am just having to add a little at a time.
I am posting multiple ones now at a time so read back.

Day 4 continued...
Took M up to the hospital with me. We were really early so I took her to TCBY for ice cream. We talked alot. She is a very smart girl, and her interests remind me a lot of myself.

Went to the hospital and R was much more alert, picking on us, which was a good sign. They gave him his pain med shots and he was out totally in about 10 minutes. But before he went completely out he went in and out and would talk in his sleep. I tried to keep from laughing but it was really funny.. sometimes you just have to find the funny things in life or you will go insane. He was talking about fishermen and robots. When I mentioned this to him later he said it was from Sponge Bob (hahhaha). Anyways so me and m left after about 20 minutes b/c he was almost completely out of it. He called me the cutest thing... candy bar. I love it!

Day 5
He's out of ICU!!! Went in to see him at about 7 or so. I am glad can finally see him whenever I choose really. He looked not too great, but still joking around some so that was good. He spent the next 15 minutes coughing non-stop almost and then finally calmed down a bit and then they gave him some pain med and he got sleepy, told me he was going to go to sleep. So I left.

Day 6
Went in at around 6 and his sister and M were there getting ready to leave. A doctor came in and said something about how bad of a night he had. Apparently they had to give him 100% oxygen and strap him into the vest for over an hour!!! That's not good. But at this point he looked quite okay. S mentioned a scan they had done earlier and the doc said they would have the results the next day.

if havent read day 1, 2, 3 .. look back in my blog.
This is not present time... i am just having to add a little at a time.
I am posting multiple ones now at a time so read back.
Day 4
Feeling good and smiling .... his mom calls... she doesn't sound so optimistic about his condition.. doesn't seem to think he is doing a lot better...they had seen him at 8 am. They hadn't heard anything from the doctors and hadn't been able to catch them. She said he did look a bit better and felt cooler. That is good b/c last night he had been quite hot. But after talking to her I didn't feel so good about his health again... she just didn't seem to think he was doing that great. she said he is still very sick. And still they will keep him in ICU. So much for my positive mood. I got sad again... not as bad but sad.. not smiling again.

I am supposed to pick up M tonight to take her with me. I was going to go at 5 but I can't bring her at that time b/c I would have to go all the way back that way and wouldn't make it on time. So I will go at 8 tonight again. He will be out of it again I know but still I have to see him.

I would stay with him 24 hours a day if I could.
I decided I will give him this log I have made, especially since his comment last night about going home... maybe he can see that it was quite serious!

I do wonder though... since I begged god to take me instead.... will he?!

if havent read day 1, 2 .. look back in my blog.
This is not present time... i am just having to add a little at a time.
Day 3
Not doing well (me that is). I called up to the nurses station at the hospital to see how he was. Nurse wasn't there ... gave me to someone else who said that had him listed in satisfactory condition but were watching especially his blood pressure. I wished I could talk to someone else who knew something. Talked to his mom... she was on her way to see him at 12. She said she would call if she heard something from the doctors. I didn't hear anything from her. I went to the hospital for the 8 o'clock visit later. The time dragged until then... ohhh to speed up time sometimes! I got there... sick to my stomach again, very anxious. I missed him so much and wanted him to better now. I am so impatient. I wanted him back badly. I walked in his room and he was very asleep.. drooling actually :p This made me smile and laugh a little. His color was much better and his lips not so chapped and more the correct color... I looked at the monitor... his bp had been 133/96 (dropping to 133/84 when he moved, which is odd).. it was now 113/96! Quite a bit better.. but still high. This made me feel a lot better. I tried but not too hard to wake him up. He didn't budge. I went to the nurse there and talked to her for a bit. She said everything looked good... just his bp was high.. but she was a new nurse for him... so I didn't take too much stock in what she said but enough that I felt good about it all and wasn't so terrified he would die. She said they would probably move him out of Icu soon if there was a bed available. She told me about this vest they were using for him that vibrates and loosens up the phlegm stuff in his lungs. The respiratory nurse went in his room and woke him up... he still wasn't much awake... I could tell he was very drugged (for the pain). They put this vest on him and turned it on.. shaking him like crazy.. and gave him a breathing treatment. I didn't want to see this stuff! I watched the TV mostly. Occasionally he would look over at me and I would smile and look back at the TV. I waited for the respiratory lady to leave before I went over and saw him. It was 8:10 by that time... only 20 minutes left in visiting time. He coughed up some really nasty stuff... which was the point of the vest... but it did look not so icky colored which was good. I stood there and talked to him for a while... of course he was out of it mostly so he didn't talk much and when he did I couldn't understand a lot. I had been watching the monitor that had read 113 throughout the time so far and after I had stood there awhile it dropped to 108/94! 5 drop! I felt so good.. that I had actually relaxed him a bit! Or I will tell myself I did at least :p He started nodding off... back and forth and so I told him I would leave and said bye. He looked soooooo tired. So I left before the 30 minute was up... I saw him probably only 10 minutes... but I felt so much better.. the funniest thing was when I told him I would see him tomorrow - he said to me - if he was still here and not home. I laughed.... he actually thought he might be going home?!!?!? No chance. I told him nooooo dear, you're not going home, maybe to another room not in icu but not home. He is still making things out to be better than they are!!!! Made me smile though.

I was on cloud nine when I left! I felt better all night... so glad he was doing better! Oh and I had figured out about the ICU.. he hadn't been in ICU to begin with ... the stopping breathing thing I think prompted them to move him to ICU.

read last bog if haven't read day 1...

Day two
Didn't sleep well at all... very worried about him. He had said he would call me and let me know something but it was past lunch and hadn't heard anything ... I had worried all morning and was very stressed... about to burst and cry. I was afraid something bad had happened. I called and called his phone .. no answer.. Finally I got the hospital number and got ahold of a nurse. He was in ICU, his blood pressure high, his kidneys not working right, and not getting enough oxygen!!!

This is when I got very worried. ICU!!! I had thought he was sick but not THAT sick. I wanted to leave right away and go see him.... I got a call from Marina. She had his phone... she told me he said he had felt better today (they had seen him at noon). I wondered why he hadn't called me and had panicked that he didn't want to see me, but they had his phone. Next his mom called me at around 2 or so. She sounded much more serious about his condition. She said the next visiting hours were. She said they were worried about his kidneys and blood pressure. I left work early and went up to see him. Mom came with me and waited in the waiting room.

As I walked back to go see him my stomach turned as I was very upset and nervous and anxious and worried. I thought I would throw up. I walked in and saw him and I had underestimated even how bad he was. I smiled as much as I could but wanted to cry. He could hardly talk and breath... would make coughing type noises and seem to have problems. He was not the right color, his lips were so chapped (beyond). He went to move and the monitors started beeping and I about flipped out! I kept thinking please god don't let anything happen to him while I am here.. please. It did this several times and then once he stopped moving it quit. He had to work really hard to even move... it was horrible. He said they had a catheter (spelling?) on him. Ouch.

He said that at 2:30 the night before he had stopped breathing. This worried me a lot. I looked at him over and over and the gravity of the situation was definitely sinking in. He was severely sick.... ICU meant a lot more now... it had shocked me before but now I could see why he was in there. I told him I was going to cry.. and that was about all that was said after that. I finally had to leave.. though I was there during the long visiting time (an hour) I left after 30 minutes. Walked down the hall with my mom and started crying .. but got a hold on myself. She said, "see this is why I came" (as I had asked her why she was coming earlier).

I was very upset... got home and dazed around the rest of the evening wondering how I would stop thinking about how he was that night. I said something to mom about his well-being and she basically said that some people do die from pneumonia. I fell apart about then. I had known that before but the more I thought about it the more serious this was. That's why he was in icu... he was very bad off. if his lung stopped working he would easily die ... and assesses and ... I freaked out... I didn't want him to die.. (of course) I told my mom I was going upstairs to cry in peace and did exactly that. I actually begged to god to help him and please don't take him.. he could have me if he wanted instead. Geez.. I love him so much.

day 3 soon..

Sorry for my absence in blogging. I have however been keeping a log that I will now post on here a day at a time or something like that.
Things have been very bad with me ... you will read soon what I mean...
I will post the first one .. which I guess was three weeks ago... i would post it all but its entirely tooooooooo long.
Day 1
Hadn't heard from Ron. A bit worried because of our last talk. The conversation was actually going well, which it hadn't in awhile, but it was short and he said he had to go. I said something not so nice. I feel horrible about it now. I was being too paranoid, but everything had been so strange b/t us for weeks. I would say he was being different, he would say he wasn't, back and forth. But he was obviously different. And he didn't look well either. I told him to go to the doctor. And I was worried b/c he hadn't taken any antibiotics for his pleurisy. But I didn't want to push too much so I just said something occasionally. He always denied anything different, so that left me with one conclusion that he didn't like me or something. It's the only thing that made sense... that or he was oblivious to the way he was being. I was very worried about him.

Anyways, hadn't heard from him yet, but he had finally a doctors appointment so I assumed that was why. Finally got a call at about 11 am. The doctor had said to go to the hospital b/c he had pneumonia! This didn't surprise me and I thought of all I had said to him.

He called me later at about 6 after he had settled into the hospital. He said his right lung was bad with pneumonia and listening to him was hard b/c he couldn't talk well, couldn't breath well.. I could hear it. We agreed we would wait until the next day to see if they released him before I decided to come out to the hospital. The rest of the night I felt horrible about not going. I was so worried about him after our last talk, b/c he sounded so bad, but he said it was fine.

I worried that I wasn't going.. I wanted to see him, but he seemed to not want me to so that is why I didn't. Then I worried that maybe his wife would come up there ... and where was I?!?!!? at home. This really bothered me... b/c I wanted to be there with him whether he would be home the next day or not. I called him.. nothing... text message.. nothing.
Next post coming soon...

More...

-----
it is night now.. and I feel a bit better.. thank god. had a water fight with my dad, hahhaha, it was fun.. and tiring :p R seems to be acting a bit better this evening .... a bit. He went to the doctor for his back and shoulder.. he gave him drugs of course.
We shall see what tomorrow brings.

(this the end of another post... see previous)

Uffff.... ok here it goes..

I'm not quite sure what to do anymore about my situation with R. Things were going so well and then this last weekend everything went to shit. I need to give some background on this all to talk about it. He has some issues, mentally.. as of course do I.. his are just more well extreme. When I first met him it was very odd.. he just emotionless. After talking to him and reading on his problems this made sense. It is how "they" seem. I started to not take it personal and then he actually started seeming more emotional and smiling even sometimes. I could tell he liked me. So I let myself go with him and really do love him now. the only thing I can think that would have changed him to that way was that he had started taking an anti-depressant as well.
Okay now to the present.. Thursday to be exact things changed. He has been hurt or sick in one way or another for weeks now. and he got very out of it and moody b/c he was in pain. We got in a slight argument around that time. it's only gotten worse. Well Thursday it took a new step. I went to his house, to bring him some stronger pain killers, on a day when I wasn't even going to come over. He really appreciated it. This was the day I met his son as well. During that night he didn't talk much at all (R), even when his son wasn't around. This is significant b/c R talks ALOT!!! I usually can't get a word in very often haha. And he is constantly picking on someone.. which I do too so its fun. Well he wasn't doing that either much. So the next day he calls me and sounds really uninterested in talking, unhappy. I ask whats wrong.. he says nothing. And he is very honest and if something was wrong he would tell me. So I am very confused .. he asks why I am not talking.. I said to him he wasn't either... needless to say this conversation ended soon with a mutual ok since you dont wanna talk. This really bothered me along with the way he had acted the night before. On top of this all I was sick and a little upset about the preg. test neg. and some pains I had been having. We talked that evening about how he was being.. he was not happy with this at all. He got very defensive and things progressively got worse in this conversation. Over an hour later we finally settled it all. I was very hurt that he didn't care about how upset I was and just wanted to be defensive. Usually he is very understanding and compassionate and all those great things. None of that was there this time. As I do with after any fight I was freaking out that he would leave me. I wish I didn't always feel this way.. I wish there was someone I could be with that I didn't think woudl leave me b/c of a disagreement. I guess this is my severe fear of abandonment showing its face. And once that starts it is hard for me to feel that anything is stable or reliable. Which of course makes me a disaster and paranoid and well quite bad off. Anyways, I felt a bit better after our talk either way.. he comforted me a bit that he wasn't leaving me and everything was okay, he was just tired etc. ...Went to his house that night ready for things to be back to normal .. I get there..nope he is for a moment seeming in reality then is gone. The glazed over no emotion look in his eyes... nothing there. You can't imagine what it feels like to see someone you love and that was loving you seem to look just dead emotionally, suddenly it's all gone. Especially for someone like me who is so sensitive to non-verbal things. He wasn't very affectionate at all either.. which added to my paranoia. I asked him what was wrong... nothing he says. still not much talking for an hour almost.. we watched cartoons.. nothing said. He asked me to come sit by him.. a moment of light in his eyes. I did. He shifted a lot.. being uncomfortable.. his shoulder hurting. He dazed out again it seemed.. still not being affectionate much at all.. I was getting quite upset and confused by this point. I knew I needed to go or I would cry. (Alot of this upset is b/c of my fear of my person i am with greatly changing suddenly and it all being gone). He kept asking me what was wrong... that was really the only thing he said to me all night, at different points. I said in reply, i am worried something is wrong with you, are you okay? He always said nothing was wrong. I said to him he was acting different, he said no he's not. So I stood up and said I think I should go. He said whats wrong.. I said I had already said and gathered my things and started out. He hugged me, kissed me, told me he loved me.. with none of these feelings showing through him and I dazed and confused left. Yet again a disaster of a night, and a night ended with him very early.. it wasn't even 7:30 yet. I got home and my mom knew I was getting very down and depressed immediately. I went to my room and cried some. Saturday.. went over to his house, after talking to him and him seeming okay atleast, not great but a bit better.. being a bit playful. I had my hopes that things would be back to normal. Get there.. nothing. He's dazed, not talking much, not being very affectionate (although I think I say this meaning he looked like he didn't feel how he was being - emotionless, as he was somewhat being affectionate physically). There was not much playing, no look of want or like. But this wasn't just with me either.. he was being this way with others as well. So I toughed it out through the night, feeling really bad by the time I left.. back to feeling I was to blame and he didn't like me anymore etc. Very upset by the time I got home. Hopeless, didn't want to do anything but not exist at that point. (not to say i would kill myself, but i just didn't care about anything and would rather have went to sleep and slept through the rest of life). When I start feeling this way things get very bad with me.. I end up doing stupid things (like running away in some for or another, not going to work, etc). So I am scared for myself. I call him, no answer, he's turned off his phone so I am stuck with my feelings. Sunday I call him, which he usually calls me but he hadn't. He seems more understanding and emotional now on the phone and says he must just not be seeing how he's being different. I suggested maybe it was b/c he had stopped taking his anti-deppresant. He said maybe and then said something about tired and his back and medicines. So we ended the conversation warmly and I felt much better. He says he will call me later in the day.. he doesn't so I call and he sounds blah again.. emotionless.. I said something about he didn't call me and I was worried about him and how he was being. He got very defensive and started talking about how I was so sensitive and there was always something wrong with something he was doing and started talking about all the things of the weekend .. I said something about how earlier in the day we had talked about this all and were okay and why was he changing what he had said. He got mad and said he wasn't going to do this and hung up. Turned off his phone. I fell apart.... angry, upset, wanting to throw somethin He knew how panicked i get when he doesn't answer after something like that.. he has done this hanging up on me before.. and I begged him not to do it again b/c i seriously freak out and panic and really should be sedated at that point. So he understood then. But he did it again, except worse.. he turned off his phone instead of just not answering. I freaked out and had had it with it. I went to his house after leaving him a message telling him I was coming over. I was calm when I got there and tried to talk to him about it all calmly.. he was emotionless... and apologetic and said he just didn't want to argue with me anymore .. he was stressed. He said he wasn't going to leave me.. he just needed to get unstressed and he was tired and etc. I felt doubtful about this .. and wasn't feeling much assured by the end of the time I was there.. he was emotionless and all that. He said though that a lot of the time he doesn't see his moods like other people do. I realised after that when I left that he was just acting like how he had when I met him.. but now it just seemed such a difference from how he had become. I am worried about what is happening to him and think it has alot to do with him stopping the medication. But he isn't listening to me. And of course with all this we haven't had sex at all.. and I am very frustrated and feeling like he just doesn't want me.
He calls me this morning at work. Hes bit more playful but still there are long bouts of silence and not any emotion in his voice at all even with the playing. But I am glad the playing is atleast back. I just am very hopeless about him coming back to the way he was. And I hate that.. b/c I love him and can't stand to see him this way now.. not after seeing how he could be. I am not sure if I can handle this way now. I am so paranoid it is me and he doesn't like me etc.. I can't let go of that.. it always comes back. He is so emotionless.. and it's killing me. Because he was so emotional before that... I could tell he loved me, he was affectionae, playful, wanted to be with me forever and I believe that is true. He says nothing has changed still.. but the emotionless outside is all I can see.

I don't know what to do!!
And not only to help him, but myself.. I have gotten so depressed and down over all this. I have no hope or want ... only want for him to be like he was.. that's it. I find myself thinking about running away.. or going away on a long trip me and S talked about yesterday. All those strong feelings of wanting to feel better and desperate for it are coming back.. Something has to give or I feel I will go insane in what little mind I have left.

Bad day

I had a horrible emotional day today... unfortunate. I cried a lot today...
I just was not right all day. I am okay now though.
Wellll I finally took the preg. test.. negative. yet still i have all the symptoms. and unfortunately some bad pains yesterday. scary. but i guess what is .. well is. Though I was quite upset after taking the test. It gets a bit of a downer to take tests and it says negative. I should have been pregnant a zillion times by now.... sooooo something is wrong I am sure. So it bothers me... a lot. But I am doing okay now.. but this morning... not good.
And I just got worse from there. Had two fights with R today. I hate this. I always feel like with anyone I am with that if I get in a fight or something with them that they will leave me or dislike me or something. I wish I didn't care so much about this stuff.
I got up and left R's this evening b/c I was so emotional and upset. We talked for an hour about it after I left. Arguing mostly.... I wish this hadn't started b/t us... things were going so well. He tells me everything is fine but... well I can't help but worry.
I just can't understand change in someone and have a hard time dealing with changes period. And a lot of things have changed lately. Uffff... but I am trying to get a hold on myself.
I am just a mess right now... so many things going wrong with me... physically ... and emotionally it seems.. .possibly caused by the physical part.
Onto something else... I really want to go swimming... I think I will buy a "kiddy pool" tomorrow hahahaha. That should be funny!!! Hey its water though... and I can sit in the yard :p Ok I know it sounds crazy... but its cheap and I don't have to worry about going with someone or anything or having to drive there and back.
IT IS TOO HOT!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok enough whining....
hmmm don't have anything else to say though.
Blagggggghhhhhhhh.
Oh yes I do (why do I always do that)... I met R's son.... he is a cutey.. very small for his age. He is a smart ass though ... yes already.. he acts just like his daddy hahhaha. He is very shy though.... oh and I got to see his daughter again after awhile of her being gone away to michigan. I actually missed her!
Ok enough of that :p
I am dehydrated gotta go and drink a lot of something... maybe that is why I am wanting to swim so much... water.

Sis

My sister is pregnant!!!!!!!!!!
I am so happy for her and her husband. They have been trying for 6 months. I get to be an aunt again... and this time up close and personal... my brothers son I didn't get to be around when he was a baby... they lived in VA. Not anymore of course but still.... anyways...my sis lives next door!!! So I can really be an aunt.
I must admit I am a bit jealous .... but I won't say more about that....
I will say that I have been more sure than ever in the last weeks that I am pregnant.. but I am sure I am not... I have just never been so close to actually thinking I was. Ok I am not absolutely sure I am not... but... welllllll I AM NOT!!!!
But I would actually like to be...
But I am still very happy for my sister :) :)
They will be great parents....
Hmmm ok what else....
welll they still haven't talked to me about hiring me permanently at work... boss has been out last two weeks. So nothing new with that.
Hmmmm..... wellll geeee I dunno what to say...... except usual typical whining.... about myself. And plain paranoia....
I think I have gotten tired of my own bullshit hahahhahaha.
But that's a good thing maybe.
Ah yes more to write about .....
Had another idea for a book.... had a horrible dream.... would make a good basis for a book. I just can't seem to get in the mode of book writing.
What a horrible dream!!!!
I have been having those a lot lately. Not like me at all. I have never had violent gorry (spelling?) dreams in my life until the last few weeks. Quite strange. Disturbing.
Oh and my sister in law's brother ... he hasn't bugged me too much in his stay.... but I haven't been left alone either. First he saw me he walks up and kisses me very close to my lips... uffff, how uncomfortable and akward. Then he makes some comments where everyone could hear them! He has no shame I guess. Then he calls the other day and hints at me going to a movie with him... I told my brother to please confirm that he knows I HAVE A BOYFRIEND! He said to me that he does know... so what the hell is up with him?!!?!?!?!
He leaves Saturday.. enough said.
I will go tonight to see R. I am missing being at home now... when he is better (his back is messed up now) I will make him come over here more. I need to be in my element. That and my parents kind of miss me.
Ok enough rambling... I will try to write more often.